Howling at all the doggerel

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My sister just bought a free dog.

You know what I mean – the dog someone gives you that you end up spending untold millions on, getting it shots, bedding, collars, invisible fencing, pet insurance, an air-conditioned dog house, out-of-state tuition for the best obedience school, and full benefits (including two weeks off for mating season).

But things have changed. Dogs have it a lot better now that we’re civilized.

When I was growing up we had a dog, Biscuit, but things were a lot different. My mother was not a sentimental woman and that poor little mutt never saw the inside of our house in all his born days. He ate scraps from the table every night, smelled horrible from chasing God-knows-what through the nearby fields, and never had more medical care than an occasional heart worm pill shoved down his throat once or twice a year. Still, Biscuit loved and was loved. We had him for 11 years and were deeply grieved when he died.

Nowadays, as I said, things are quite different. Dogs have a much cushier life.

But is it better? I wonder what they think.

There may be a way to find out. A South Korean mobile phone operator is offering a new service to its dog-owning customers: status reports on your dog’s feelings.

I kid you not.

It works like this: you register your pet, then the dog’s bark is recorded periodically and the service ‘translates’ the bark into a text message which will inform you as to how your pet is feeling, e.g. “I’m happy,” or “I’m frustrated.”

Is it just me, or is this being more gullible than falling for the ol’ phantom Frisbee trick a hundred times in row?

Okay, okay, okay. I had my Biscuit. I like dogs as much as the next person – maybe not as much as some people, but enough. Still, is it sane to pay someone to tell you how your dog is feeling?

And more importantly, since when can people actually translate dog barks?

It used to be we didn’t expect any more out of our dogs than to love us unconditionally forever and ever, and to fetch a few Frisbees (phantom or otherwise). Now we’re sending them to day care, grooming them regularly and analyzing them. If we don’t quit, we’re going to make them as neurotic as we are.

It’s my opinion that dogs don’t need to be understood. They’re dogs. They’re generally either happy or asleep. It’s not that complicated.

But then, who am I to talk? I once paid good money for two prairie dogs.

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